I often wonder (as I'm sure everyone does) what I would say to Lady Gaga if she sat next to me on a plane. After much thought, I have decided on 10 particular questions I would ask her, and estimated what I think her answer would be:
ES: What items do you never leave behind when you travel?
LG: I always travel with the Haus. I always have one suitcase full of glitter that holds my disco stick. And I keep my lovers in a cage in coach.
ES: If you could only choose one of the following to wear for the rest of your life, what would you choose? Masks. Hair pieces. Sunglasses.
LG: Choosing one would be like muder. But masks. I cannot live without them.
ES: Can I borrow your disco ball bra from Just Dance?
LG: No my love, but I will give you my disco ball mask from Poker Face...
ES: What is your favorite feature on yourself?
LG: My eyes, so I can see my little monsters.
ES: If you could only choose one gay husband, would you choose Perezzy or Elton John?
LG: After I got dirty with Elton at the Grammys, I had to break up with Perezzy, although he ate a chunk of my heart.
ES: I have never forgiven myself for missing your performance at Lollapalooza. How have you evolved since then?
LG: More chains, makeup, and teeth. Less disco. I've become addicted to my fans and the stage, I die without them. More provacative, but never brunette. And because you are a fabulous monster, I will tell you to be sure to attend Lolla this year...
ES: One of my favorite lines from your new album is "raise a glass to mend all the broken hearts of all my f***ed up friends." Did you write that for me?
ES: What was your relationship like with Alexander MacQueen?
LG: I don't know how I can survive without him. His art was scary, provocative, like me. He understood me and I would have worn anything he ever created.
ES: Why do you hate pants?
LG: Because I'm slutty.
ES: And if you had to choose between leather and lace?
LG: Nice girls don't kiss and tell.
I would probably close the conversation by inviting her to Costa Rica with my friends Karissa and Will, where we are going teach the monkeys that visit our jungle bungalow Lady Gaga dance moves. Specifically her new dance move from the Telephone music video, the "sandwich dance." We have been practicing.
Now I need to memorize her Monster Ball summer schedule and start looking for her at every airport...